_my love for you;

Sunday, February 25

Leader. Leader.

what an amazing word!

Definition of LEADER is my Oxford Dictionary: Person or things that Leads..
In my bible: authority from above, from God..
To me: lead by example, one who pours out for his/her members..
and what it take to lead? is to first walk right yourself!
(expectations too high again? haHa. that's the goal that I set for myself toO)

For me, my leader will only be Christ, alone..
because all man kind, everyone had sin (including myself.. yups.)
There are also people that I look up too..
(but that is of course, if they deserve to be look up to.. LOL.)

Today, Jasper n I had a good chat.. I'm really amazed and thankful lo!!
Though this is not the first time that a church mate would come to me,
speak to me about "church struggle".
At least, I know that there are still people who cares and I'm not crying alone! wahaha.

Actually I do know my spiritual leader wants me to stay,
I can see that she did put in effort like to come early for today service..
(though I wasnt there.. =P)
bUT it's really not a one day or two day thing lo.. if she understands..
Secondly, it's not doing this just to keep me in church.. but to do it for herself, for God..
Everything that she do, is to honour God..
I really hope that she will understand that! haix.

-Sign Off @ Sunday, February 25, 2007 :)

Saturday, February 24

LoSS.

What should I do? How should I settle everything?
why is loving someone so tough?
(both God and man)

Coz of the love for God, I obeyed him & my mother to stayed in FCBC for the past 2 years.. Yet, human failed me..
Leaders, authorities above me..
Can I still fully trust them for their leadership?
My desire to bless them, help them, work through things with them.. yet, the return was filled with hurt, sadness and tears..

Last week when I was at service, yes, I teared again.
As usual, I was early, and met Hui Min (one of the youth leader in FCBC). We tried reaching my cell leader or what we call it "spiritual mother" (SM), but failed. So I sat with Hui Min when the gate was open and throughout worship. Only after worship that both Hui Min and I recieved a message from her that she was at C5 row 12 at Expo Max Pavillion. Both Hui Min & I were lost if I should go and find her.

Though strong on the outside, I teared in my heart..
My SM, how I wish she was like Hui Min, coming early etc. that I dont have to feel so lost at what to do.. Service had started, it just didnt feel right to walk across the hall like that..
Perhaps it was also my anger & disappointment that I refused to Move over..

My greatest fear came today, and I had to face it some day or another..
Yes, coz of this struggle in chruch, I contacted my sec sch friend who's a christian in City Harvest. I felt the warm there, enjoyed the services, and felt at ease at their cell group of china students that made me want to pick up chinese.

A call came today, spoke to me about making a decision btw City Harvest & FCBC. What should I do, God? I love my leader, desire to help her build her 12 disciples.. But what do I get in return?
Tears. Disappointment. Anger.

Somewhere deep down, I do wish that I can be part of City Harvest..
But there are pressure by people around me:
my mum- she has always wanted me to be in the same church as her
my SM - my heart really long to walk her through, help her, bless her.. BUT..
fellow church friends / members - they will think that I'm not in the vision, unfaithful, didnt stand till the end etc.

And at times, I really question myself if I was indeed too demanding..
But I thought that been a leader is to pour out one's life for the others..
To live super naturally, to love our neighbour as ourself - Mark 12:31
I'm loss even at my bible values, for all that I've ever believe in, was it wrong?
If what I believe was wrong, then becoming a christian was wrong too..
(wa, cant believe that I actually type this, this sentence is definitely wrong!! waHaHa.)

To be honest, there are times where I wished I wasnt a christian too.. (like now? haHa.)

-Sign Off @ Saturday, February 24, 2007 :)

Study week, super stress but give THANKS

Friday, February 23

Finally took sometime of out my studies to blog..
Am currently having my study week to prepare for exams on 26 + 28 Feb & 1 Mar.. So "fortunate" right? haHa. ya.. Thanks to TP, you rocks!!

For the past few days, had been busying studying with Louisa, Peilin, Diana, Terence etc. All Global Connect Club people..
Haha. really thank God got them..
Haven had the mood to study, but when I saw them studying, it really motivated me.. Press on gal! it'll end soon.. haHa. yups.

For me, I guess Facilities Management - one of my modules is the toughest..
really very stress out when I study my lectures..
the amount of information can blast my brain, and kill my brain cell..
what makes it difficult for me is that I dont like memorize work..
cant imagine that I have to memorize a whole stack of notes photocopied from the reference facilities management book.. want to faint lo!! =(

Nevertheless, I still want to thank god for my friends who are with me throughout.. they encouraged me.. Push me on..
Especially Ee Jie, when I was sian, he was so lame that I had to smile at his lame jokes..
Then friends who kept me companied by sms chatting like JiaLiang, Clement.. though it was just one or two short messages, but I really appreciate them lo.. =D

-Sign Off @ Friday, February 23, 2007 :)

Church Struggles

Tuesday, February 20

Hurt again. I had long forgotten when it first started.
Tear again today.. Loss for words.
Lots of things that I wish I could name them one by one..
(think I'll end up with a whole long list.. LOL.)

I'm tired of all the hurts, tired of hearding from the rest of my church mates:
"Hey, we've ... arent you going?"
For a matter of fact, my cellgroup doesnt have ...
and I definately felt left out..
many a time I ask: is this MY church? do I belong here?
simple things - santification, church camp, network meeting..
do I even have a cellgroup? LOL.

Each time I went for service, honestly I'm not willing...
why? as I had to wait ALONE for the service gate to be open..
where is my spiritual leader?
"On the way" / "coming" are words that she REPLY to my sms..
I actually had to take the initiative to sms and call her!?!!
I dont might if it's once or twice..
But, been a leader, you need to reach out to your members..
Pour out for them, reach them..
(ok, nvm, maybe that's my definition of a leader,
and it's OVERLY demanding on my side..)

Then why do I have to wait alone each time?
I thought been a cell leader, it make sense that she reach early for services..
(nvm, maybe she really had things to do before service and she tried to rush down each week..
which was for the past 1 year......? O.o)
Been early naturally means I would go in early to book seats..
and then I would drop her a sms of the seating location
> isn't this the work of a spiritual leader?
(alright, I'm just been demanding... nvm..)

During occasion such as Valentine day, I never fail to bless her with flowers..
But I cant even think of what she had given me apart from Birthday presents & Christmas.. (ok, I'm calculative too! wa, muz change ar.. wahahA. k, drop this..)

Been a faithful member, I had to tolerate with all her harsh tone, style of replies..
"You have to..." "No, this is not the way of doing it, .. "
There was totally no room for discussions, all I was left with, was do this this this..
And a BIG full stop at the end of it.
Right, all she said, I had follow n obediently did as told..

All I desire is to able to serve God more,
to be more involved in church staff, more involved in the ministry..
But is she serving in any ministry currently?
She said she wants a ministry to reach out to ppl of my age..
but she's not even serving nor involved in any minstry
which is actively reaching out to JC, poly, U ppl..
How is she going to have a ministry for youth? LOL.
Through me? LOL lo, even for me to reach out to my friends is already a challenge,
what more that she is outside their circle....?

I've never once blame my mum for putting, or rather forced me into FCBC..
(I was unwilling ok! and am still abit unwilling now.. wahaha =P)
But I've proven my obedience..!! wahaHa.
As to which church I will be staying permanently,
and the plans ahead... I had no comments for now..

For all things that had happened, praise the LOrd! wahaHa.

-Sign Off @ Tuesday, February 20, 2007 :)

My family @ Chinese New Year!

Monday, February 19

Chinese New Year, second day..

HaHa. started the day with visiting..

(Wow, I was actually willing!

Actually... I was just obeying God's matt 18:21-35 )

mM, went over to my 4th uncle's place for lunch..

Food was nasi brownie.. Quite nice! wahaHa.

Didnt interact alot with them at the beginning..

This is my first encounter with my cousin Thomas,

who's quite an interactive person! He knew quite alot too...

And he's quite good-looking I should comment on that! wahahA.

Ps. Gals out there, he's attached if I'm not wrong, so dnt think about it ya. haHa.

Then we (dad, mum, me & grandmother) went to my 2nd aunt's place..

mM, there was more joy and laughter there (at least for me!)

Just cant stop laughing at my 2nd aunt & my 4th uncle..

we went chatting about my aunt going off to Sentosafor flower show..

my aunt was describing how amazing & all the show would be..

then she posted the question out of the blue, to my uncle:" then you dont know about it?"

with her actions and gestures.. >> what my mum was laughing at..

Guess what my uncle respone was:" what were you talkinging about?"

I couldnt control but blast out in laugher..

Laugher filled the air (though it was only me & my mum. wahaHa.)

Before ending the day, we took a family photo

which my cousin would sent it to me.. By then, I would upload lo..

And my 2nd aunt give me my first red packet in 5 years..

She was saying the pic of the guy is given,

so that I might have a boyfriend.. LOL.

Anyway, really praise god for all things esp. the laughter.. wahaHa

-Sign Off @ Monday, February 19, 2007 :)

My way of Celebrating.. Haix.

Sunday, February 18

Today's Chinese New Year, first day..
I didnt went visiting like any other someone..

Started the day with church service, kind of argue with my spiritual mother again..
Ya, as usual.. haix.
Am I really such an arguementitive person? I start to question myself..
there are things that she did and I couldn't agree with..
each time I go for service, I never fail to tear..
There was never a time that I really felt that she did well
- contact her members beforehand, check how members are doing,
connect & share with them etc. I always felt alone at church service,
often felt that I was there out of pure obedience..
I dont know, just somehow wish that things was better.. haix. haix. haix.

Well, my mum was asking me last night,:" so what are you going to wear tml? "
I laugh and replied,: "Anything except red! hahA"
We both had a great laugh..
Yup, I'm kind of a more western person
- dont like to celebrate chinese new year & in fact, I dont..
not bounded by any chinese custom and my parents are fine with that!
Cant recall when was the last time I actually had to wish someone
verbally "Happy new year!"and all the chinese phases..
Honestly, I had even forgotten that Hong Bao was red in colour.. wahaHa.

Apart from all the chinese new year greetings that I recieved through sms,
I was really touched by keelin & a few malaysian friends such as Hwee Yun who actually sms from brunei and malaysia respectively.. On top of that, Shyhida, my malay friend also sent her greet.. I was truelly impressed!
Well, not to forget him, who called back from malaysia just to send his greetings verbally.
I was very surprised to recieve his call though it was very simple..
Really appreciate it! = D
**Ps. my mum say:" he still got the heart to call you, ok la, not bad!"
I'm kind of proud of him! wahaHa =)

-Sign Off @ Sunday, February 18, 2007 :)

PIG Year - A new year

Saturday, February 17

Well, this will be the first blog for this chinese new year.. wahaHa.

I guess I'm just tired of blogging at Msn Space

as I've already tried out all the different functions there..

Today at home, the maid was been scolded by my mum for quite a few times..

and I somehow felt useless for unable to stand up for her..

As in circumstanses like this, it is usually better to keep one's piss..

Well, I truely pity her.. Not everything is her fault lo..

Haix, as usual he's back in malaysia..

As I was helping my mum preparing the food for today, new year eve,

I was remindered by his words:" you dont even know how to cook lo.."

Ya, true.. But I guess I'm better than some cook,

who didnt even know that vegetables will true yellow if overcook..

I bet he dont even goes to the kitchen! wahaHa.

Though disappointed by his tone of souring me,

I guess it did motivate me to pick up culi..

And I shall cook great food that he could only see and not be able to eat! wahaHa.

Haix, dont even know if we will work out lo.. =(

I really want to thank friends who didnt forget to drop me

Chinese New Year sms - Terence, Keelin, Guan Chun, Jack, Denise, Hwee Yun, Lian Wei..

Really appreciate the wishes! wahaHa.

May everyone be bless by this coming PIG year.. wahahA.

-Sign Off @ Saturday, February 17, 2007 :)