Hurt again. I had long forgotten when it first started.
Tear again today.. Loss for words.
Lots of things that I wish I could name them one by one..
(think I'll end up with a whole long list.. LOL.)

I'm tired of all the hurts, tired of hearding from the rest of my church mates:
"Hey, we've ... arent you going?"
For a matter of fact, my cellgroup doesnt have ...
and I definately felt left out..
many a time I ask: is this MY church? do I belong here?
simple things - santification, church camp, network meeting..
do I even have a cellgroup? LOL.

Each time I went for service, honestly I'm not willing...
why? as I had to wait ALONE for the service gate to be open..
where is my spiritual leader?
"On the way" / "coming" are words that she REPLY to my sms..
I actually had to take the initiative to sms and call her!?!!
I dont might if it's once or twice..
But, been a leader, you need to reach out to your members..
Pour out for them, reach them..
(ok, nvm, maybe that's my definition of a leader,
and it's OVERLY demanding on my side..)

Then why do I have to wait alone each time?
I thought been a cell leader, it make sense that she reach early for services..
(nvm, maybe she really had things to do before service and she tried to rush down each week..
which was for the past 1 year......? O.o)
Been early naturally means I would go in early to book seats..
and then I would drop her a sms of the seating location
> isn't this the work of a spiritual leader?
(alright, I'm just been demanding... nvm..)

During occasion such as Valentine day, I never fail to bless her with flowers..
But I cant even think of what she had given me apart from Birthday presents & Christmas.. (ok, I'm calculative too! wa, muz change ar.. wahahA. k, drop this..)

Been a faithful member, I had to tolerate with all her harsh tone, style of replies..
"You have to..." "No, this is not the way of doing it, .. "
There was totally no room for discussions, all I was left with, was do this this this..
And a BIG full stop at the end of it.
Right, all she said, I had follow n obediently did as told..

All I desire is to able to serve God more,
to be more involved in church staff, more involved in the ministry..
But is she serving in any ministry currently?
She said she wants a ministry to reach out to ppl of my age..
but she's not even serving nor involved in any minstry
which is actively reaching out to JC, poly, U ppl..
How is she going to have a ministry for youth? LOL.
Through me? LOL lo, even for me to reach out to my friends is already a challenge,
what more that she is outside their circle....?

I've never once blame my mum for putting, or rather forced me into FCBC..
(I was unwilling ok! and am still abit unwilling now.. wahaha =P)
But I've proven my obedience..!! wahaHa.
As to which church I will be staying permanently,
and the plans ahead... I had no comments for now..

For all things that had happened, praise the LOrd! wahaHa.