LoSS.
What should I do? How should I settle everything?
why is loving someone so tough?
(both God and man)
Coz of the love for God, I obeyed him & my mother to stayed in FCBC for the past 2 years.. Yet, human failed me..
Leaders, authorities above me..
Can I still fully trust them for their leadership?
My desire to bless them, help them, work through things with them.. yet, the return was filled with hurt, sadness and tears..
Last week when I was at service, yes, I teared again.
As usual, I was early, and met Hui Min (one of the youth leader in FCBC). We tried reaching my cell leader or what we call it "spiritual mother" (SM), but failed. So I sat with Hui Min when the gate was open and throughout worship. Only after worship that both Hui Min and I recieved a message from her that she was at C5 row 12 at Expo Max Pavillion. Both Hui Min & I were lost if I should go and find her.
Though strong on the outside, I teared in my heart..
My SM, how I wish she was like Hui Min, coming early etc. that I dont have to feel so lost at what to do.. Service had started, it just didnt feel right to walk across the hall like that..
Perhaps it was also my anger & disappointment that I refused to Move over..
My greatest fear came today, and I had to face it some day or another..
Yes, coz of this struggle in chruch, I contacted my sec sch friend who's a christian in City Harvest. I felt the warm there, enjoyed the services, and felt at ease at their cell group of china students that made me want to pick up chinese.
A call came today, spoke to me about making a decision btw City Harvest & FCBC. What should I do, God? I love my leader, desire to help her build her 12 disciples.. But what do I get in return?
Tears. Disappointment. Anger.
Somewhere deep down, I do wish that I can be part of City Harvest..
But there are pressure by people around me:
my mum- she has always wanted me to be in the same church as her
my SM - my heart really long to walk her through, help her, bless her.. BUT..
fellow church friends / members - they will think that I'm not in the vision, unfaithful, didnt stand till the end etc.
And at times, I really question myself if I was indeed too demanding..
But I thought that been a leader is to pour out one's life for the others..
To live super naturally, to love our neighbour as ourself - Mark 12:31
I'm loss even at my bible values, for all that I've ever believe in, was it wrong?
If what I believe was wrong, then becoming a christian was wrong too..
(wa, cant believe that I actually type this, this sentence is definitely wrong!! waHaHa.)
To be honest, there are times where I wished I wasnt a christian too.. (like now? haHa.)
